Why do so many people fail to achieve the perfect life of their dreams? They suddenly wake up to the realization that today is the future they envisioned many years ago, when ‘things’ should happen. They end up pushing their happiness further down the road, and before they know it, their dreams of utopia slowly fade away.
This is the “if when” syndrome, a common psychological trap, that often leaves individuals in a state of perpetual waiting for an idyllic world that seldom arrives. It is a postponement of their lives under the illusion that happiness and fulfilment depend on future events or achievements.
This mindset is particularly prevalent among Nigerian youths and professionals eager to leave their home continent and go overseas. This phenomenon, known as ‘Japa,’ has gained increased urgency, deferring happiness until certain targets are ostensibly achieved in Europe, Asia, or America.
Unfortunately, life often stalls for many as their families buy into this dream, hoping to transform not only the migrant’s life but also their own. However, the reality often diverges drastically from expectations, leading to a cycle of deferred dreams and constant striving.
Dreams die first
African teens often dream of Europe as a land of opportunities, where they can easily find jobs, earn money, and provide for their families. However, upon arrival, they face harsh realities such as language barriers, legal hurdles, cultural shocks, and limited job opportunities.
High expectations often clash with difficult realities, leading to frustration and disappointment. Immigrants’ goalposts often shift from finding a job to securing a better job, securing legal status, and sending more money home, leaving them perpetually in a state of waiting for the next achievement.
This constant deferral can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression, as the pressure to succeed and the feeling of not achieving enough can be overwhelming. The extended wait and potential failure to meet these expectations can strain family dynamics, as families left behind often make financial sacrifices to send loved ones abroad.
Life happens
The “if when” syndrome is a common mindset that can affect anyone, not just immigrants. It can manifest in various non-immigrant life situations, such as career aspirations, financial stability, health and fitness, relationship goals, parenting and family life, and retirement dreams.
Career aspirations involve a young professional believing they will be happy and enjoy life once they get a promotion or land a dream job. However, each career milestone brings new challenges and responsibilities, leading to further goals and continued postponement of personal fulfilment.
Financial stability involves postponing living a desired lifestyle until saving money or paying off debt, which can never be guaranteed.
Health and fitness involve delaying feeling confident and happy until achieving a specific weight or fitness level, which can lead to dissatisfaction and postponement of self-acceptance.
Relationship goals involve focusing on finding the perfect partner or getting married, which can lead to neglecting other aspects of life. Parenthood and family life involve continuous responsibilities, and the “if when” syndrome can delay personal growth and self-care.
Refire your dreams
Here are 5 ways to navigate the ‘if when’ syndrome:-
1.        While having dreams is essential, it’s also important to set goals in a balanced way, including immediate, short-term, and long-term objectives. By setting practical and achievable short-term goals, you can ensure a sense of fulfilment in the present. This approach helps reduce feelings of failure and provides a sense of accomplishment as you progress.
2.    Mindfulness activities encourage presentness and appreciation, enabling individuals to fully engage in daily activities and find joy. Gratitude exercises help recognize and value even modest progress, fostering a more joyful and fulfilling life.
3.        Diversify your sources of fulfilment by connecting with friends, community groups, or mentors who can offer emotional support, practical help, and a sense of belonging. Engage in varied activities and pursue relationships that bring joy and satisfaction, not just those tied to specific goals.
3.       Invest in your personal growth through education, skill development, and interests. This attention can result in self-improvement and fulfilment that are not exclusively dependent on external conditions. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that perfection is unattainable. Embrace imperfections and appreciate your efforts in Self-Compassion.
4.        Redefine what success means to you. Instead of linking it to specific external achievements, view success as personal growth, resilience, and the ability to adapt and thrive in various situations. Recognize and celebrate small achievements along the way, rather than waiting for major milestones.
Conclusion
The “if when” syndrome is a global issue affecting immigrants and non-immigrants, causing them to delay their pursuit of happiness and contentment. To break free from this cycle, individuals should celebrate small wins, live in the present, set balanced goals, practice self-compassion, and diversify sources of fulfilment.
By adopting these strategies, we can find joy and meaning in our daily lives, ensuring we don’t miss the present moment while anticipating an uncertain future. Living fully now, we recognize that true fulfilment comes from navigating our journey, not just achieving milestones.